Tuesday, June 27, 2006
MUSH: Hailie on Charles - A Long Forgotten Chapter (Supposed to be...)
Hailie wanted her next entry to be part two of Episode 1 but a recent event has caused her world to turn upside down and she knew she wanted to write about this recent event first.
Being in love is the nicest feeling one can ever have. Yet sometimes, as nice as the feeling was, they don't always last. And no matter how much you thrive in pain, you always have to come to a point when you have to let go of past loves that can never be revived.
There will still be moments when you'd think about this particular guy and the moments you shared together. You'll go from bitter to sad to passive to thankful and happy that at least, for a moment, you get to have him in your life. When that happens, you'll finally feel that you're ready to move on. You tell yourself that you're willing to let go. Whence before, when dwelling on love's dark past you were on shaky grounds, now you are confident you can move to that corner on two steady feet. Then you face life straight in the eye and say, "I'm ready. Throw me anything that you have and I can take it." That's when you remember that you should be careful what you wish for - because then you'll realize that life throws mean curveballs and she throws them when you least expect it.
Just recently, I decided to let go of this love I've harbored for almost two years. I've gone through everything I've mentioned above. And although I was still hoping for a closure, I knew I was never gonna get it. So I stood my ground and faced life, saying, "This is the end of the line for Charles and me. Let me move on. Give me anything you can and I'll be able to handle it." Then here comes life playing her tricks on me. After almost seven months of non-communication, you cannot exactly blame me if I assume that life wanted me to close that Charles chapter in my life. I was doing pretty great with moving on yet all it took was four words from him to shatter my world again. Four words - hoy.. haha.. la lang... - that meant exactly nothing but had great power when said to someone who's been hanging on for seven months. Then all your resolve crumbles down to pieces because everything boils down to those four words you thought you'd never say again: I still love him.
My good friend Val once told me that it's a big wonder, because ex-lovers seem to have this radar - they seem to know when you're all ready to move on. And eventhough they haven't talked to you in God knows how long, once you've made up your mind to let go, they come rushing back in your life...
Is this just a test? Well, if it is, then I'm failing miserably. Because...
I still love him.
Feeling:
ConfusedAll ears: 3 Libras A Perfect Circle
